Proper Bidet Use

When you are visiting hotels in a country outside the U.S. (or U.S. hotels that have extra-large bathrooms or cater to foreign visitors), you might encounter a bidet.

A bidet is located in the bathroom and is typically used to freshen and cleanse your nether regions. (How you go about that is completely up to you.) You can also use it to have your own private fountain shows in your hotel room, with lights and music. My personal favorite is “Singin’ in the Rain,” just like the song in the Bellagio show.


When facing the bidet for the first time, it is important to notice the faucet setup. In most U.S. hotels, the lever for the hot water is on the left, and the lever for the cold water is on the right. Should you choose to face this direction on the bidet (and that is an option), you will have no problem confusing the two.

However, things get a little more tricky if you’re facing the other direction. If you face away from the faucet, you must remember that the levers are reversed. The hot water is now on your right and the cold water is on your left.


For the safety of your bits, do not forget this! If you mistakenly turn the hot water on high, you might end up with scalded parts, just like a dear friend of mine. He limped around for days, possibly weeks.


5 Responses to “Proper Bidet Use”

  1. Dave Lifton Says:

    I am so waiting for his composition, “Scalded Taint.”

  2. BC Says:

    It just occurred to me that one could pretty easily rewrite “Chocolate Rain” with the title “Scalded Taint”.
    “Scalded taint, comfy sure is one thing that it ain’t,
    scalded taint, pain’s so bad I think that I will faint…”
    Okay, maybe not.

  3. Dave Lifton Says:

    Purple Rain, too.

    “Scalded taint, scalded taint
    Only want to see you recover from scalded taint”

    I’m picturing the hands in the air at First Avenue right now…

  4. Michele Says:

    Someone needs to record one of those, tout suite. That’s the hardest I’ve laughed all day.

  5. Dave Lifton Says:

    The first two lines of Purple Rain wouldn’t even need to be changed.

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